


The complexities of human emotion and the drive of another's love

by Creativityx



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Beatrice learning to no longer repress her emotions, F/F, Just let Beatrice be gay and happy about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:49:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27971096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creativityx/pseuds/Creativityx
Summary: Beatrice has been taught for the entirety of her life that her emotions should not be exposed that sharing her feeling was a flaw, a weakness, that her way of loving was improper.She couldn't have been taught more wrong.Ava shows her what it means to express emotions, to not hide them any longer, to feel no shame in the way she exists.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 4
Kudos: 136





	The complexities of human emotion and the drive of another's love

**\--There is no need for feeling--**

Her parents had told her since her youth, _'To reveal emotions is to expose yourself like your cards in a game. If you indulge, you will lose. You must only expose what is necessary.'_

She had believed them, that emotions got in the way of her duty, her mission. She didn't need them to _get sent to boarding school..._ to end up at the OCS.

_No. She didn't need them._

It worked, _for a time._ She ignored any feelings she had towards someone that wasn't more than friendship. 

Friends were useful, necessary _she should have friends she would tell herself._ That was one thing she allowed herself, _emotions she could spare._

She would tell herself she was comfortable with this life, with controlling her feelings, _love, anger, pain, they were not necessary, should not be seen on her._

But? When they lost Shannon, _and in her place stood_ the loud, _free,_ Ava? She started to feel things. _Started to feel more than she should._

It started off with Ava's tears in Mother Superion's office. Beatrice had never cried like the way Ava had since... _she couldn't remember the last time she cried_.

'You'll be _okay,'_ was the only words she could offer Ava, struggling to remember how to offer kindness, it wasn't something she sought out, nor offered, since she was _forced to join_ , no, _willingly_ _joined_ the OCS.

_Guidance. She could provide recruits with guidance,_ but kindness and _compassion in the face of their struggles?_ She didn't understand how to offer it anymore.

She felt the girl sob against her, _her tears staining her clothing,_ it was confusing, to see someone so open in their _pain._

She stiffened, but only for a moment, wrapping her arms around the girl as tightly as she could, feeling Ava bury her face into the crook of her neck.

_How could emotions be wrong when just feeling concern from this girl had brought her such a lasting feeling of want, of need._

She could see from that moment, that Ava? Was someone how may break her barrier. 

_She was terrified of what that meant._

  
  
  


**\--You taught me how to cry--**

It starts to fall apart when they move to Arq Tech, _knowing their mission,_ to use the halo to find what was necessary.

_Finding it entailed training,_ Beatrice accepted her role. She could treat Ava like all the other recruits, _ignoring_ the feelings that started to bloom in her presence. 

_She didn't need them. Feelings were not her mission... Love? Was not her mission._

But? They started to become it when Camila handed her that book, _knowing her, knowing exactly which warrior nun spoke her truth._

She felt herself freeze at one line, looking at Ava as she spoke, trying to regulate her emotions _just like how she was taught,_ 'Each slice was an act of _hate,_ hatred that they had made me afraid to be myself,' her voice shook, _she tried to steady it._

But when Ava told her that she shouldn't be ashamed and that her hatred towards herself for loving, _for feeling?_ Should never have needed to exist? _She felt herself start to slip._

For the first time in so long, she felt the tears start to fall. _Her parents had told her this was wrong, that the way she loved was wrong, but when she sat with Ava she knew that this was the furthest thing from wrong._

There was comfort in her words, _in her presence,_ and when Ava moved from her spot to sit beside her and pull her into her embrace _she could only cry harder, letting the ache escape her._

'You're crying,' Ava spoke, a whisper of a sound.

'I'm not supposed to,' Beatrice grit out trying to wipe away her tears, _to ignore her feelings. She had no need for them._

'Everyone cries Beatrice,' Ava said, wiping away those tears with her own hands as she leant against Beatrice, 'It's okay to _cry_ when you're hurting.'

Beatrice bit her lip, trying to stop the sob rising, her words stuttered, rough, _'I don't want to be so exposed like this.'_

Ava just moved in closer so that they were nestled in each other's embrace, 'I'm the only one here, _I won’t say a word_.'

Beatrice believed her, knowing that if anyone would hold her truth it was Ava. In that moment? _She was finally able to release an emotion clearly, visibly, baring one of those cards, her pain._

  
  
  


**\--I fear your loss--**

She knew there was something more to her feelings for Ava when they went on their mission to the Vatican, _to the catacombs and through that wall._

She had stood beside Ava before that moment, had fought against Lilith, someone she had known for so long to ensure _Ava, only Ava,_ was safe, unharmed. 

_There was a feeling there... she wasn't sure what it was._

'You ready?' Beatrice asked, staring at the wall in front of them.

'As I could ever be, _when you know, I'm walking through 20 feet of weird cave walls.'_ Ava returned, a playful grin making its way onto her face.

Beatrice ignored the smile that made its way onto her face, 'Good. Mic check?'

'Still hearing you, think I need to be in the wall for this part,' Ava spoke, still grinning.

Beatrice sighed, 'Yes, of course, _ready?'_

Ava's smile fell slightly at the words, _'Yeah let’s- let’s do this.'_

For the first half of it, Beatrice could hear her, could communicate with her, feeling comfortable in knowing she was safe. _But suddenly? Silence._

Every moment Ava didn't respond, send Beatrice further on the edge, _fear..._ she had always controlled her fear before Ava.

Lilith hardly helped, sounding just as concerned, ready to tear down the wall to get Ava out, _Beatrice wanted to do it just as much. Refused to show how desperate she was to be near her._

Soon, too much time had passed, and the sound that echoed, shaking the chambers had her blowing through that wall to reach Ava, _to get her out of there, she needed to be safe._

When she scoured through the rubble and saw Ava unmoving she could only hold her against her.

'I can't _move_ Bea, why can't I move?' Ava had spoken in fear, her eyes wide.

'The halo must be depleted, _we've done this before,_ you're okay.' She echoed those words Ava had spoken to her, _okay... okay to cry okay to be afraid._ It was strange, _to be okay with feeling but she would do it for Ava._

With the help of the other girls, she pulled Ava off the floor and out of that room.

This was fear and she knew that at that moment she was terrified. _Terrified of losing the one person who had shown her that feelings and emotions? Were okay, that they were necessary_. 

More than anything? Ava taught her that expressing her emotions was _allowed._

**\--I anger at those that dare hurt you--**

They took only a moment to rest. Lilith taking the lead with Camila and Mary while she stayed with Ava, _just long enough for her to recharge, that's all they needed._

Beatrice held her upright, _she was still off-balance,_ 'Any better?'

Ava just sighed out, 'Just, _keep your hands on me,_ I'm starting to feel them again.'

Beatrice couldn't refuse the request, _didn't want to remove her hands from her._ If this was a feeling, _wanting to be near her? Touch her? She hadn't worked out which one._

Soon enough, the halo was recharged and Ava could stand alone. _They didn't stop holding each other._

They stood with the others, only letting go once the fight began.

Beatrice thought it would be the same as always, a _hard fight,_ an unseen enemy, _she had trained for this,_ she wouldn't get distracted, she had a purpose.

But every time one of them drew near to her? _To her Ava?_ She grew more frustrated, angered. Her hits becoming harder, driven by fury, _how dare they try to harm her_.

She knew she was losing herself in this feeling, _in her anger,_ had never expressed it at as much as she had when she had something to lose.

Before she could start using weapons that _would actually harm,_ she felt a hand on her, pulling her away, _it brought her to a pause. Looking around she saw that their numbers had dwindled, they had a chance to escape._

She didn't want to, _wanted to keep fighting all of those who wanted to harm Ava._

She realised it was Ava's hand on her shoulder, pulled her away from the person she had pushed down, 'We need to leave, Beatrice,' She spoke urgently.

_It was hard to control this anger, to let the person go._

But Ava just pulled her from the ground and into her arms, 'We need to _go_.'

Beatrice let herself be led into a car and away from the scene, _struggling to control the anger she still felt,_ she couldn't stand the thought of losing her, _of losing her Ava._

She didn't know when she started to think of Ava as her's... But she knew that this girl, more than anyone she had ever know? Was showing her what it meant to feel again, the good, _the bad,_ Ava was here for it all.

So she just leant her head against Ava's, taking deep breathes, centring herself in the feeling of Ava beside her.

'What was that? During the fight?' Ava whispered, trying to keep their conversation between them, _knowing it was an almost impossible endeavour._

Beatrice appreciated the thought, _Ava always thought about her feelings in ways she had never done so herself._

'I didn't want to see you hurt and,' Beatrice frowned, and what? Did she decide to hit them hard, hurt them in Ava's place?

'I don't know,' Beatrice admitted, _the feeling still unclear to her._

'You stopped,' Ava whispered again, leaning her head against Beatrice's shoulder, 'Sometimes that's more than enough.'

Beatrice smiled at that, the last of that feeling starting to fade, another taking its place. She could work this one out later, *for now?* She rested her head on top of Ava's and closed her eyes.

_She let herself enjoy the comfort of her presence beside her, the feeling of her body against her own... The feeling of nothing but Ava._

**\--I want to exist at your side--**

When they arrived at a safe house, Lilith claiming that despite everything her family had done, at least they had given her something of use, Ava and Beatrice were still close together, _ending up sharing a room, needing to be near._

Beatrice wondered if Ava knew this feeling, _knew it better than her_ or was just as lost, also trying to navigate the muddiest path Beatrice had ever walked upon, losing sight of her feet with every step.

They were given separate beds and yet, somehow, found themselves laying together on only one, staring at the ceiling, hands intertwined.

Ava broke the silence, 'I've noticed, _you've been feeling so many things,_ reacting so _roughly to them all,'_ Beatrice felt her hand squeezed tighter and turned in the bed to face Ava.

'You feel them _harder_ than anyone I've known, I mean I haven't known many people obviously but-' Ava continued, starting to ramble her words.

Beatrice placed her spare hand against Ava's lips silencing those words, 'I've never felt as much as I have when I'm around you, _feelings are supposed to be a weakness, a threat_.'

Beatrice let out a soft laugh as she continued, 'But the feelings I have for you are many and _I haven't regretted a single one.'_

Ava rolled over to face, her, _they were close, it didn't feel close enough._

'But-' Beatrice spoke with a frown, the two of them face to face, 'There's this _other_ feeling that I've felt the whole time, _from those moments that we have existed together,_ and I don't know what it is.'

Ava moved that much closer to her, a whisper, 'Do you feel it when we're close like this?'

Beatrice ignored the blush that rose into her cheeks, 'Yes.'

'I feel it too,' Ava whispered, a stutter in her voice, 'Being near you, it feels like, _love.'_

_Love._ Beatrice contemplated the word, the feeling in her mind, _was it love?_ When she looked over to Ava again and into her eyes, she was _almost certain_ that it was.

With the clarity in her mind, there was only one question she could ask, 'Can I kiss you, _Ava?_ '

'Yes,' Ava sighed out.

They met in the middle, neither having much experience in kissing another, _it was messy, rough, but the feeling of love was the truest feeling Beatrice had felt around Ava, around anyone._

They pulled back, Beatrice noticing the bright smile that graced Ava's face, ' _I think I love you, Ava.'_

Ava gave her that same playful grin she did before she entered that wall, 'I _know,_ I love you, Bea.'

_Bea. Love._ The two words forming in her mind clear and real. _She knew she loved Ava and her feelings for her_ were no weakness.

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic pulled from discord, why not collect some of the ones I like and share them here, let's gooo


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